The Scandals of Life Page 10

  "Stef, there's something that's been on my mind for awhile." I look up at him through my wet lashes, what is it now? "How are you dealing with the miscarriage? It's something we've not spoken about other than when you told me."

  My throat closes and my eyes sting, tears threatening to come once again. “I'm not over it, I don't think I ever truly will be. I get up each morning and the baby's the first thing on my mind and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. Most nights I dream about what he or she would look like. It hurts, God, it hurts so bad. I feel like I'm in mourning but nobody knows about it. I feel so much guilt; I should have known I was pregnant. What woman doesn't know their own body? How the hell did I not know? I should have looked after our baby. I know that it's going to take some time and I know that sometime in the future I'd like to have children but, right now, that's way in the future. How are you dealing with it?"

  His eyes close and he swallows harshly. “It's because of me and my selfishness that this happened. You lost our baby because I was a selfish prick. I wanted you and I loved you and I'm so fucking sorry that I caused you so much pain. I feel powerless. I have no idea what to do, what to say other than I'm so fucking sorry. Our baby is gone and there's absolutely nothing I can do that's going to change that no matter how much I want to." The rawness of his voice, the words he's saying, everything hits me hard. "Beautiful, I imagine a little blonde girl just like her mum, so full of life, her beauty shining through. But the thing that stands out the most is her smile. So bright and happy, just like yours. It kills me that we're never going to meet him or her."

  I lay my head against his chest. “No matter what, our baby will know that we love him or her so much. That we wanted them so badly and we miss them with every fibre of our being. The day we finally get to meet will be magical."

  He holds me tight. “It's a day I'll be looking forward to, but until then, our baby is with your mum and they're going to look after each other."

  I nod against him. “They will." I rub my hand against his stomach. “In the support group, they say it’ll be healing to name the baby. I’ve had a few ideas for gender neutral names.”

  “Tell me,” he demands. He’s hoping like me that something, anything will help ease the pain of this loss.

  “I like Taylor, Parker, and Peyton.” My favourite is Peyton, it’s unique and pretty, it’ll suit either a boy or a girl.

  “Peyton.” James tests the word out. “Peyton Moore, I like that.”

  I smile, glad that our baby has a name. I send a silent prayer up to my mum. “Please, Mum, look after our baby. Please let Peyton know that we love and miss him or her more than anything. Please keep Peyton safe.”

  We stay like this for a while, my head against his chest and I'm snuggled up tight against him. I'm full of sadness and hatred; it's not a good way to go to sleep, although I'm usually heartbroken when I fall asleep as I think about Peyton. My stomach rumbling interrupts our quiet musings and James laughs. “We'd better get you fed." I sit up, properly pouting that I was moved from my comfortable position against him. "What do you want to eat?"

  I shrug. “I’m easy, whatever you want.”

  "Okay, I'll order something for us." He gets up of the bed and starts walking towards the door."Meet you downstairs?"

  "Yeah, I'll be down in a minute," I tell him and he gives me a curious look, one that I can't decipher. He walks out of the room and I can hear his footsteps as he begins to walk down the stairs, the steps creaking as he steps on them.

  I lie down on the bed and look up at the ceiling; so much has happened in the past few weeks that I've not had time to adjust. Seeing my dad again, getting back with James, and then on top of all that dealing with his ex. It's stressful but hearing James tell me what that bloody cow has done to him has made me livid; she's made his life a living nightmare for long enough and it stops now. No more is she going to talk to him like he's a piece of shit, treat him like rubbish and hurt him. She's done and she's going to have to realise now that if she wants James she's going to have to go through me. They have nothing to discuss anymore, their marriage is done. It's over and the divorce has been finalised. There's nothing for her anymore and the sooner she realises that the bloody better.

  I make my way downstairs and James is sitting in the sitting room. “What did you order?" I sit beside him and put my feet up on the sofa.

  "Sweet and sour chicken balls and egg fried rice." He smirks at me. He knows me too bloody well. That's my favourite Chinese dish and it has been since I was a kid and Mum would get a takeaway every month. "So, you got a tattoo?"

  I look at him curiously. “You're only noticing now?" I look down at my top and see that you can't even see it.

  "When you we're drying off I saw it. It's for the baby?" I nod. “It's perfect. I want to get something done too."

  "We'll get you something, maybe a butterfly?" He turns his nose up. “We’ll figure something out.”

  Chapter Eleven

  It's been a little over a month since that showdown with Valerie and thankfully she's been quiet; we've not heard from her at all. James and I scoured the internet looking for just the right tattoo for him—it took us weeks. He finally decided on one; tiny little feet with wings and a halo that says “Too beautiful for earth.” As soon as we saw it, we knew it was the tattoo for him. I decided I'd get it for him for Christmas. I booked him in with the tattoo artist that did my tattoo knowing that he did an amazing job on mine and that he'd do an amazing job on James’. I was right, it came out better than any of us expected. James absolutely adores it. He also got it put on his ribs in the exact same place mine is.

  Christmas has come really quickly. I think this is the best Christmas I've ever had. James and I have spent last night and this morning with Jess, Hunter, Owen, and the kids. I thought it may have been weird with Owen and James in the same room but it wasn't awkward. Owen told me that he was happy for me and seeing James and me together he knew he never stood a chance. He said James and I are like Jess and Hunter, we're destined to be together. He also said if James hurts me again, he's going to kill him. Watching the kids open the presents, knowing that this time next year we could have had our own munchkin opening their presents hurt, but saying that, James and I have been growing closer and we've been open and honest about our feelings. If we're hurting we let the other know. I think it's what's making us work.

  We stayed for Christmas dinner. Who knew Hunter could cook? Right now, though, we’re in the car on the way to the Cotswolds. James has a surprise for me. When we were discussing his tattoo and what we wanted for Christmas we had a discussion about what we wanted from our lives. I don't want to be an escort all my life. In fact, I want to become an author. I've loads of stories written it's just that I'm too scared to publish them. Plus, I need a hell of a lot of courage for someone to even see my words let alone for the whole world to see them.

  The past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling kind of off. I can’t quite pinpoint what it is and it’s been driving me crazy. I’ve had heartburn, nausea, and I’ve been tired but it won’t last for very long. I’ve not thrown up, it’s more just the feeling that I may get sick along with the hot flushes every now and then. I’ve ruled out the menopause, because I’m only twenty-one. I’m probably coming down with something, God, it’s the last thing I need, especially during the holiday.

  So, we arrive in the Cotswolds and instead of heading straight to his parents’ house he makes a detour and drives us in the opposite direction. He drives up a secluded road for miles and miles, coming to a stop at these huge iron gates. Driving up this massive driveway as we round a corner all I see is sheer beauty. A beautiful old house, it's massive. Trees lining the outside of the perimeter, keeping the house from view as though it's a secret place nobody is allowed to see.

  “Merry Christmas, beautiful.” I turn to James and he’s staring at me with so much love and happiness.

  “Wait, you bought this?” I ask in shock. We'd talked about ge
tting a house here but for something like what James’ parents have you were looking at a million. This house has to be quadruple the size of Thomas and Sylvie’s house, so it'll be probably quadruple the price.

  “Steffy, we wanted somewhere where we could escape, somewhere you could come and write in the peace and quiet. You sent your book off to the editor and she loved it. She wants more of your stories and she has no doubt you'll do well, so you need somewhere you can retreat to.” He's so proud of me and since I told him that I'd be publishing my books he's been backing me all the way. He's so interested in all aspects of it and he's determined that I have the right crew behind me.

  “But this? It must have cost a fortune.” He shrugs like it's no big deal. “Thank you. I’ll pay half,” I tell him. It will wipe all my savings but I can do it. Well, it depends on how much it was. Getting two grand per date has worked out for me. Nat gets upwards on ten grand, depending on who she's with and what she does.

  “No, you won't. It's a gift.” I go to argue but the shaking of his head stops me short. “I have the money and it's done. Come on, I want to show you around.”

  I get out of the car and I have to hold onto the door as my vision blurs. I hold the door tightly as I take deep breaths hoping that I'll be able to see properly. Closing my eyes, I count to five. Thankfully when I open them my vision has returned to normal.

  "Again?" I nod as James comes over to stand beside me. "Beautiful, enough is enough. That is three times in the last two weeks, you've got to go to the doctor."

  "Once Christmas is over I will do, I promise." I have a suspicion as to why this is happening but I don't want to say anything. Lately, I've been feeling tired, a hell of a lot more tired than normal. Not only that but my breasts hurt and I'm weeing like a damn leak, along with the blurry vision it's making me worried. As soon as the doctors open after the holiday I'll be there.

  "Come on, show me the house." I loop my arm through his hoping he'd leave it alone and he does. We walk up to the house and it's so much more than I had ever hoped for.

  We walk through the door and it's like every little girl's fantasy of growing up and living in a palace because this is what this is. "Are you ready?" His excitement is infectious as is the smile he has. It's like when a child sees something for the first time and their eyes light up; that's what I get when I see James.

  "For what?"

  He takes my hand and we walk towards the back of the house, my head turning to look through every door that we pass. Everything is neutral and sleek-looking, no doubt James has been working hard to get everything ready. But what I don't understand is how he managed it. It's only been a month since we had that discussion, it takes a long time for everything to get approved.

  He leads me to a room with the door closed. I'm anxious to see what it is. One of his hands comes up to cover my eyes and I can hear the door opening. My heart rate speeds up as James guides me into the room. "Ready?" he whispers. I nod, wanting him to hurry up and take his hand away. "Look."

  I open my eyes and I gasp. He's made me an office. Bookshelves line one wall of the room, the desk facing so that I can look out the double doors that show the beautiful countryside. There's a sofa in here too. It's beautiful.

  "I thought you'd like to have a place where you could write." He's so thoughtful.

  "James, this is beyond words, this is amazing. Thank you." I lean up and kiss him, before I walk over to the desk. It’s black but sleek-looking, and on top of the desk is an Apple desktop. Holy hell, he went all out. “This is amazing.” He laughs. “I know I’ve already said it, but it’s true. Thank you so much.”

  "You're welcome. Now do you want to see the rest of the house?" I nod. I'm so excited to see it. I may end up moving here permanently, it's that gorgeous. "So, it has a kitchen, dining room, office, sitting room, another dining room all downstairs, oh and a toilet. What do you want to see first?"

  "All of them." He laughs at my enthusiasm. I can't wait to roam around and discover everything.

  He shows me around and the sitting room is the same size as the downstairs in my home. The two dining rooms couldn't be any different, one is formal, with a huge table and chairs whereas the other one is if you're having a party-type gathering, you could go in there. The toilet is nice, it's clean and tiled in a cream and it’s bigger than my main bathroom. The upstairs has seven bedrooms that span two floors. Why we need seven bedrooms I'll never know, but I'm not complaining, this house is stuff that dreams are made of.

  He's left me to roam and wander through the house; I really can't believe that it's ours. Growing up living on a council estate, Mum not having a job and Dad being Dad, we lived off benefits. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't live like that. I'd do what I could to make sure that I wasn't living off dole money and skint by the time the week ended. I know it's not a personal choice to be on benefits; sometimes the situations you find yourself in can't be helped. Just like Jess couldn't help needing those benefits to make sure her family survived.

  The doorbell rings and I'm confused as to who it could be. I hear a baby cry and I walk out of my office and down the hall coming to a stop when I see James' family standing in the hallway. "Merry Christmas," I call out and they all turn to face me. All of them have a happy smile, and each one of them in a Christmas jumper, no doubt Sylvie made them.

  "Ah, there you are. Merry Christmas, darling," Sylvie calls out as she walks over to me and wraps me up in her arms. "You look lovely, dear."

  I look down and see the red knitted dress that I'm wearing. I've had it for a few years and I've only worn it a couple of times. "Thank you; are you having a lovely day?" For some reason whenever I'm around his parents I lose a bit of the commoner in me. Instead of saying words like innit and ain’t. I say isn't it, I don't know why it's something I do, probably down to the fact that when I go to these fancy-arse galas they expect you to speak properly, be well educated.

  Sylvie's eyes light up. “The best, all of my babies are happy. You know this is the first time I've seen James so happy. Lisa is happy because she's getting fed." I laugh. God, what a thing to say. "And Matthew is happy as Valerie has let him have Amelia for the day. Which in turn makes me happy; I get to spend time with all of my family under one roof. A beautiful roof that it is too." She looks around and I know that this isn't the first time she's seeing this house.

  "Beyond beautiful," I say just as James joins us.

  He kisses my cheek. “I know you are," he whispers, and I blush. "Mum has brought dinner with her, even though I've told her that we've already eaten."

  "Hush you, it's Christmas, you're meant to stuff your faces until you're nauseous. Thomas and Matthew, you can help James unpack the car while us women start getting the table ready." Sylvie takes Amelia out of Matthew’s hand and begins to walk towards the kitchen.

  James kisses me on the cheek and follows his dad and Matthew out of the house leaving Lisa and me alone. "Merry Christmas, Lisa."

  She hugs me."Merry Christmas, Stefanie." She looks behind her before looking back at me."So, Bitch Face turns up at Matthew's door at nine o'clock this morning, hands over Amelia and tells him that he's got her today; she needs a break. The bitch wanted to go out on the piss and that is all. A break my arse."

  "Has she left Amelia with him before?" I look behind me and see the guys are coming back; I pull her towards my office. Once we're in I close the door. “Or is she just being selfish?"

  "This is the first time she's even let him have her. He called Mum in a tizzy, he had never changed a nappy." She shakes her head, tears in her eyes. "She's never let Matt do anything. He's never fed her, changed her, put her to bed. To her Matt's a stranger and she just shows up and, bam, here, have your daughter, see you later. No instructions, nothing. She's a vicious bitch. He had nothing; I mean nothing, no cot, no clothes. He really did panic. Thankfully Mum’s a hoarder and kept all of our old furniture and stuff. She had Dad out cleaning them at half nine this morning."

  "Jesu
s Christ, did she know he was going to your parents’ house?" I'm not even surprised that she'd pull a stunt like this. Thank God James is away from her evilness.

  Lisa’s nodding."Of course she did and stupid bloody Matt told her that you and James would be here celebrating Christmas with us."

  "So she thinks you're at your parents’ house. It's where she thinks James and I are too. She's not only going to get pissed she's going to turn up at your parents’."

  Lisa gasps at my words. “Oh, I bet the cow is doing that! Well tough fucking shit. She can stay outside Mum and Dad’s while we have a nice dinner. Come on, I've been good, I've not had a drink this morning."

  As I open the office door, Matt and James are waiting outside; both of them have the same curious look on their faces. "What are you two doing hiding?" James says as I walk up to him.

  "Talking about Bitch Face." My face flames as they stare at me. God, Lisa's got a big mouth. "So, we reckon she'll be at Mum and Dad’s soon."

  Matthew's face pales. “Fuck, I should have realised. She's doing it to get attention. She's going to pitch a fit when she turns up and no one is there."

  "That's her problem, Matt, not yours. We're all going to go into the dining room to have our Christmas dinner. Not a word to Mum, you know what she's like. She'll want to go home just so she can have a go at her." James is making sense, just ignore her. "Matt, she's probably going to ring constantly, turn your phone on silent."

  "She's going to go psycho, isn't she?" I try my hardest not to nod although I really want to but it's not my place to be getting involved. Lisa however has no such problems and is nodding her head like Churchill the dog. "She's the mother of my child and I know that I shouldn't be saying this but she's a bitch. God, all she ever wants to do is hurt people."

  "What's going on?" Sylvie asks as she walks down the hall towards us.